Winter Pilgrimage

Angel,

 

We have come to the threshold of winter and the darkest time of the year. Temperatures have dropped below freezing and the city is blanketed with snow. The lake beside which this city is hunched is a black abyss by night and in the day it is an expanse of cold steel. Daytime only makes the sky flat and we can barely tell where it meets the horizon. Sounds are hushed but for the wind and all of our colours have been stolen, leaving only cold grey.

 

Days like these leave me feeling empty and hollowed out and the only thing that blows in is a chill wind. It is hard to hold onto joy when the world is like this; flattened between an endless oppressive sky and muddied snow sidewalks. Even Christmas lights and streetlights are dimmed and distant. Ones spirits cannot easily rise when you cannot tell which way is up.

 

In the evening the temperature drops as the sky darkens to lead, and I kick at hardened brown snow that has been pushed up onto the sidewalk from the road. Traffic light change from one Christmas colour to another without joy but simple mechanical efficiency of getting through the day. I trudge my way through the streets under a darkening sky like a lost pilgrim and let my thoughts wander. Though my feet often lose their way, my thoughts always find a way to make it back to you.

 

Even before I am conscious of my thoughts, the wind blowing through the hole inside of me has calmed enough for some small candle to be lit. My feet carry me forward and the mist clear enough that I can picture the shape of you and soon will be able to imagine your face. I find myself talking to you, imagining you answering me. I imagine entire conversations with you and in this way I hold you close; and in holding you close I am able to find some colour in the world. I am able to hold this little candle for a little while.

 

When one is lost, sometimes a pilgrimage and a vision is the best you get to help you hold onto a little joy.

 

Just me.