About this blog

In Toronto, there is a nightly news magazine called T.O. Night aimed at the commuter crowd. One of the
features that it contains is a section called Shout Out where readers can send a short message, rant, note...
to someone, or to anyone...

I started sending Shout Outs to the woman that I am in love with. Not all of them are published in
T.O. Night - and once the magazine is tossed, so too is the shout out...

Here are most of the shout outs that I have submitted - and some of my other writings to
The Lady on the Train...




Wednesday, 27 February 2013

as always...


Good morning.

As always, you are on my mind and you haunt my dreams. In the middle of a wild black night with the sound of the wind outside and the rustle of sheets as I turn, the desire to have you here sends my thoughts to wander toward you. 

And I will wander and wonder - drift past your temple and corner of your eye - know the soft warmth of your cheek and brush of your hair on the back of my hand. I can almost feel my palm in the small of your back and the scent of you filling this room. I know the way the feel of the bed changes with the press of your length and I long for it now.  

I know the kiss on the back of your knee, your sigh, and the feel of you surrender and tense at the same time.  I know our fingers entwined and arms wrapped. I know what it is to soar through space and to be held grounded at the same time. I know sitting across a table in a crowded place, your head tilted resting on the seat back - and falling into your shining eyes. I know the desire to take your hand as we walk, my head bowed and filled with pure joy. 

I know wanting you to be filled with happiness and wanting to be the man that can show it to you. I know that I have just begun to explore and will wander and wonder for rest of my days.

Just me.

Friday, 15 February 2013

An empty ache...

Angel,

You have been 1200Km away and I have missed you more than I can say... You are coming home tonight and though I am very happy about that, it leaves me still with an empty ache...

I want to meet you at the airport to greet you.. I would love to see your face light up when you see me standing there- waiting for you. Under the sterile high domed ceiling and too bright lights, I would gather you up in my arms and hold you to me for a minute. The crowd would move around us as we had our quiet moment to greet each other... After our embrace, I would bend to take your bags, hoisting straps onto my shoulders and dragging behind a wheeled case - I would do this in such a way as to leave one hand free to hold yours for as long as I could.

In the car you lean back into the seat, tired and excited at the same time - your eyes dark and oval, a small happy smile... you can tell me all about your trip - what you've learned and what it will mean for you... you can tell me about the small moments that string the time together... you will tell me of the people that you've met and the weather and the food... you will ask how I've been and if I have missed you.

Though I won't be able to answer you properly with words - I can't say how much I've missed you or in all the ways that you have been missed - I can show you with the care I take of you... I can show you in the holding of your hand and the press of my thumb to your cheek... I can show you with a kiss that holds us in a place that contains only us... I think I can show you... I think that you will know...

I would gladly be there to give you these things and take you to the people who love you and are bounding with excitement at the thought of your return...It's knowing that I can't give you these things that has left a small pebble in my heart... a small empty ache of wanting to see you.. It will sit until I can see you...

I have missed you...

Always...

Just me.


Thursday, 14 February 2013

Lost and Found..


Angel,

On my way home Amazed came on the radio and the words in the song could not have rung any truer. I am absolutely amazed by you. Every time we are together, when we have some time, at least once something passes between us, some new sensation or feeling, something that totally throws me

I don't know what you do or how you do it - and you will say that it is me - but you do something to me that touches the very core of me. Every time with you is a discovery - and I can't explain everything - so much is going on.

Just touching you sends electricity through me. Kissing you sends me soaring to places that cannot be found on this earth. Making love with you shakes the foundations so that nothing comes to rest in the same place. My entire world is shifted.

I know that I am feeling things for the very first time - feelings I did not know existed, could never even imagine, cannot describe, and have no words for. I know that there are more to discover - and that we have just started. All of what is going on - all of these new feelings are almost overwhelming.  

When I am with you, I am lost in a whole new world. I am lost but so happy to be there to explore the landscape and all of it's wonders - never knowing what I will find. When I am with you, I am completely lost in you. At the same time when I am with you, I am absolutely at home and comfortable and secure. When I am with you, I am completely found by you.

With you, I am lost and I am found.

I love you.

Just me.

Tuesday, 12 February 2013

As you leave...


Angel,

I don't care if I wasn't going to write first this morning. I don't care if I was going to be strong and wait for your text. I don't care if it is compulsion or weakness that bend my will to put my thoughts and feelings to words. Words that I will send to you through air and space and hope that they reach you and are heard as if I whispered them to you.

I will put this message in a bottle and in a grey morning toss it into an unseen ocean. I can picture you opening this message, bent over cupped hands - perhaps in a car, or sitting on a row of chairs at the departure gate. I hope than when you do read this that you can imagine yourself elsewhere with me.

I hope that you can imagine a dimly lit room with a wooden slat bed, white sheets, and a close comfort. Your curls and the scent of you on a down pillow. I hope you can feel me holding you close and the soft press of my lips to your neck just below the ear. The words that I whisper to you are breathed softly into your neck to  drift across your skin and float to your ear - my words felt as much as heard...

"I could stay here forever.  I am going to miss you very much - more than I can say. I will be here for you and very happy when you come back. I love you."

Have a good trip. Be safe.

Just me




Friday, 1 February 2013

I dreamed last night...


Angel,


I had a dream. I dreamed that I bought you a big beautiful cottage on a private lake. It sat on a slope at the end of a bay - tall, light wood and glass, with a view of the lake. Most of the shore is rugged, but here is a beach, a diving platform to swim to -  and a wide dock with chairs - the kind of dock that draws you down at dusk and dawn with a coffee. It is the kind of dock that insists on quiet in the twilight and insists on noisy boisterous children running, jumping and splashing in the day. I dreamed that the cottage was everything you want in a cottage - large family space, large kitchen, full gym, lawn with room to play... the perfect place.

In my dream there is only one other cottage on the lake. It can be seen from your dock - down the bay, just before the point. The cottage is green wood and the dock is large - but from here that's all you can tell. That is my cottage and I will stay there for the summer.


In my dream I bought the cottage for you without telling you. I arranged to have you picked up at work, driven to the island airport. From there a float plane flew you to our lake, landing and docking in front of your cottage. The whole time BBMing me wondering what the hell was going on - and me trying to convince you to trust me and comply.


When you finally step onto your dock the pilot unloads a bag I arranged to have packed. He hands you the keys and tells you the place is yours - the keys to the truck you will find on the kitchen table. He climbs back in, shoves off, and is down the lake and in the air leaving you stunned.


Bewildered, you carry your bag to the cottage.  On the table you find the promised keys, a road map with a red dot showing you where you are, and a note from me. The note explains that the cottage, everything in it, and the truck all belong to you - yours to do with as you want. You explore a little, finding a fully stocked fridge and pantry. Beds and linens, toiletries, cleaning supplies - everything you could need to stay here very comfortably.


You text me that you can't believe it, you're overwhelmed, and nervous about being alone and that Kevin and Jess don't know where you are. I reply that you should go to the dock and wait - trust me. When you get to the dock and squint out over the lake you can make out a canoe paddling toward you. After a few minutes you can see that it is me in the canoe and I am grinning at you. I slide the canoe onto the beach, step into the shallow water and walk up to you taking you into my arms for a minute. I can tell that you have a million questions so I set you down in a chair, I sit beside you.


I tell you that it all belongs to you - your family knows that you are here and I have arranged for them to fly in tomorrow. I tell you that I can get them here tonight if you want - but as I say it we both know that we both want this one night alone. I will leave before they arrive and never know I was there. I offer to bring anyone you want - sisters, mom, anyone you want...


Still in shock, I take you by the hand and lead you up to your cottage. Knowing that you must be hungry, I bring you a beer and start to cook for you. You sit at the counter, watching me as I work. We talk and tease and fall into our easy rhythm. I stop between tasks to come around behind you to touch you or steal a kiss. Some of our kisses linger and there is a look in your eye that puts us in danger of a burnt dinner... Soon...


After dinner we take our coffee and a blanket down to the dock. The night is clear and has cooled but isn't cold. The moon is fat and silver - and the stars are coming out. Once the moon dips below the horizon there will be so many stars that it boggles the mind to think how many there must be. We spread the blanket on the dock and lay on our bellies to easier drink our coffee.  After a short while I stand up and begin stripping down. Once naked I walk to the end of the dock and dive in. You stare in dis-belief. Never having been skinny dipping, I have to convince you while hanging to the end of the dock. Finally persuaded, you walk to the beach and begin to disrobe. I watch you from the water and I notice the effects of the cold on your body. You stand naked on the beach, shy and exposed – feeling self-conscious  but putting on a brave face. You are stunningly beautiful and I ache just to see you there. I walk out of the water toward you, take you by the hand, and lead you back into the water. It is surprisingly warmer than you expected and you relax a little.


Together we float and talk and play. I feel your smooth wet skin against mine and we come together in a kiss. You are buoyant in my embrace and I feel your legs wrap around my waist. We bob in the lake under the moon and stars making love in a slow rhythmic waltz. The world contains only us…

In my dream we spend the night together – we leave ourselves completely open to each other and we are moved.


In the morning, after breakfast and with the sun shining warm and bright, I leave you for my own cottage. A short while later the float plane lands, bringing with it your excited family, bounding and screaming to see you. You greet them on the dock. After everything is off the plane, you watch it taxi down to the far dock and can barely make out a figure climbing in. You watch the plane take off, circle once and then disappear over the horizon.


Me.