Happy New Year

Angel,

Though we will not be together when the New Year rings in, my thoughts will be with you as they always are.

May the new year be the best one yet.

I love you.

Come what may.

Me.

Merry Christmas, My Love

My Love,

I cannot be with you on Christmas though my thoughts have not left you. I have imagined what it would mean to celebrate Christmas eve with you and to watch you wake to the magic of Christmas morning..

These thoughts and wishes I hold for myself and I feel selfish.

You are surrounded by loved ones and family - the source of your strength, your ground, your sky, I wish for you to always have them close.

I wish much for you, but above all else, I wish you happiness.

With all my heart, I love you.

Merry Christmas.

Light, Beauty, Time and You

Angel,

In the same way that light bends to your beauty, so too does time warp in your presence. The laws of physics are suspended whenever you are near. Gravity changes, making me lift from the earth though I am filled and feel an undeniable tug.

Being with you and time stops: the world stops spinning, and the universe collapses to just our shared space and imaginings. And in our stolen moments of frozen time an eternity passes and yet goes by too fast.

You change time and physics by holding it all still until the moment of our goodbye.. And then it crashes in, catching up in an instant. My feet return to earth, the world turns, and the great universe continues on its inevitable arc.

I do not know how you do this - I cannot figure it out. It is a power you wield though you may not even be aware of it. I have experienced this phenomenon often enough to know it is real - but it is as surprising now as it was the first time.

You change everything. You are a universe that I am traveling through and I will tumble through your constellations. I will tumble for an eternity - or an instant - I cannot tell which. I will watch you move through this universe and marvel...

Light, beauty, time, and you... You.

Just me.

Night Wanderings...

Angel,

It is late fall and a giant moth has battered against and finally landed on the window, no doubt drawn to the  light spilling out from the cottage. You go to investigate the belly of the creature repulsed and fascinated by it while I clear our dishes from the table and then bend at the fireplace, readying it for later. The night is clear and cold, making the arrival of the moth a surprise.

“I can’t go outside if this thing is still here” you say to me over your shoulder.

“He will be gone before we go out” I promise.

“How? You’re not going to hurt it.” you ask and warn with a single tone.

“Watch” I say as I turn on the laneway lights and pull the curtain. We stand waiting as I whisper the thoughts of the moth in your ear. You bow your head and smile as I make nonsense. When I open the curtain, the moth has flown away, pulled away by some other light.

“Okay – but it’s cold outside – do we have to go out? We could just stay in here where it’s warm….” A teasing wry look to tempt me.

I consider the temptation as look up at the sky through the window. Seeing the slant of moonlight on the cedars resolves me. “Just a quick walk” I say.

“Okay” you say with everything that says it really isn’t okay.

We get dressed for our cold night time adventure – me with enthusiasm, you as if having teeth pulled would be more appealing. Finally I take you by the hand and lead you out the door. It is colder than either of us expected and our breath hangs in the air until it wisps away. You dart me a look with your dark eyes that tells me that this had better be worth it. “Come..” I whisper and pull you down the steps, away from the warmth and comfort of the cottage and into the night.

The frost on the ground crunches beneath our feet as we walk up the lane toward the meadow. “Where are we going?” you ask.

“Just come”  I say as I reach back to clasp your mittened hand. We walk close together in silence. The only sound is our breathing and the frozen crunch of our steps. As we emerge from the tall dark trees and  reach the meadow and it’s tall grasses, I can hear a catch in your breath. Although it is a clear night, the moon is full and silver, swimming through a sky of stars beyond count or even belief. The long grasses of the meadow are covered in frost and looks like a blanket of silver. Moon and stars above, their light caught in the field at our feet, and the whole world simmers in this ghostly light.

I walk ahead, leaving a dark trail for you to follow… my crooked path a tear in the silver blanket.. We walk to the center of the meadow, I turn and wait for you. I watch you pick your way toward me – the moonlight in your hair, your face haloed, frosted waist-high grass and stars on a velvet sky… an angel on this earth… When you reach me you press your cold nose to my cheek and I am filled the scents you carry, our warmth shared and pushing out some of the cold. “Just a little further” I say as I kiss your cheek and feel it warming under my lips. We walk the way hand in hand and in silence – I am too filled to speak..

We press our way to the far end of the meadow and follow a path leads through a small thicket and ends at a rocky point. We step out until we are inches from the water. The lake is a black glass and silent – and a perfect reflection of the sky above. We are suspended in a new world with two moons, one above and one below us – and stars in every direction. We hold on to one another and float in a place where gravity and direction have no meaning. We anchor each other and if not for the other we could tumble forever in any direction.

We stand in the cold, the only sound our own breathing and we marvel at the magic of moonlight and starlight in the seas of black. I can see the universe and wonder shining in your eyes. I have now placed my Angel back among the stars. I cannot speak though you are waiting for me to say something… We stand in silence and marvel until I feel the smallest of shivers in you, bringing me back to earth.

“Let’s get warmed up – I will make coffee while you climb under a blanket by the fire” I tug you back.

You lean in toward me and kiss me with slow passion that tells me that you know what I have seen, a glimpse through my eyes… “Thank you” you whisper..

We turn back toward home with our feet on the ground, our heads in the stars and our hearts lifted above all.

Just me.

A little more time...

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/angular_momentum.jpg

Grey December...

Angel, 

We stand on the shore of a great lake on a cold grey day. The sky is so flat that we cannot tell where it meets round belly of the horizon. The wind coming from the lake is cold and heavy with mist. 

Your hair pulled back and almost tame is now becoming curlier and wilder. You smile sadly, bowing your head and mutter something about looking bad. You want to escape to fix it but stay beside me - suffering through your worry. 

I want to tell you that you look wonderful, but you wouldn't believe me and would drop the words like stones. I keep my silence, looking at my feet - but the truth is that you do look wonderful. I want to tell you how I revel in the untamed wildness of your hair. My eyes fall into the tangle and curl, following the patterns and chaos and the way the wind moves it. 

I cannot tell you about your beauty and how in this light I can see every line, freckle, and lash on your face. I can only look and ache. I want to trace your lines with my fingertips and follow the contour of your cheek with my thumb and feel the shared warmth of our skin in this damp cold day. I want to feel the press of your nose to my temple as you kiss my cheek. 

You do not believe your own beauty. I want to show you the way the shape of your face fills me and has settled somewhere deep within me. Your lips have pressed a kiss on my skin that has now settled on my heart. To see the grace of your eyes I have only to close my own. Your beauty is a light that shines bright on this grey day. To me it is a beacon calling from which I cannot turn away. 

So we stand side by side - huddled close and in silence. We stand in the wet and cold on the edge of a great grey void feeling warmth emanating from each other. I cannot speak these thing and have you believe them so I turn to you and pull you close. I will kiss you and hope that you can feel how it is you make me feel. I will kiss you on this beach in the mists and let all the world vanish for a moment. And then I will look into your eyes - your miraculously changeable eyes. We will smile at each other and I will be filled with warmth. 

In my eyes I pray that you can finally see reflected back all the beauty that I see. 

With my eyes...

Just me.

I love you

Angel,

We have had wondrous times and we have been through our hells. I have no doubt that we have more of each ahead of us. Through it all though, there has been one constant - one thing that has not changed.

Wherever we are - wherever we may be going - I want you to be in my orbit and I want to be in yours. For me the reason is simple... I love you.

Love is not a simple or easy thing and I say it to you with all of the weight and lightness, gentleness and passion - and with the gravity that it deserves.

I love you in a way that desperately wants you to be the person that you are... I watch you in awe and wonder. You surprise and amaze me at every turn - in the quietest of times when we are wrapped up and sleep - when you have your head bent to some task or interest - when you smile and seem small - when your back is stiff with eyes flashing... I love you with everything I am and have.

I see you and all I see is the miraculous beauty you - and I ache wanting to be able to show what I see... You are magic and and it spills from your fingertips, trails behind you like a wake, and shines like a light. You move and change the people around you to be better than they were... You make me want to be better than I am.

I am the lucky one for loving you...

Just me.

December Morning Commute

Angel,

This morning is cold, still, and still dark - but the city is waking up. The sounds from the streets - a garbage truck, a taxi waiting, the squeal of steel wheels - ring harder. The lights from coffee shop windows, streetlamps, and passing streetcars spill out harsh into the cold street. In what feels like the early morning, the body's desire is to move slowly - or better yet - to not move at all except to turn in the warm arms and bed of a lover...

Indeed, this is where my mind is as I walk toward the stop to board the streetcar that will carry me toward the tall towers of downtown. I know the feel and scent of the pillow and sheets that I have recently left. I know what it is like for you to be beside me in our bed in the dark early morning and to have the windows slowly brighten as the morning slides to day. I know the scent of you and I know your curls, lines and curves. I can imagine the absolute softness of your cheek, smoothness and arch of your back, and the way your soft breath sounds... I can fall into that place with you and in those moments, I know perfect happiness.

I am carrying these thoughts with me as I travel into the heart of this city and I am barely aware of my surroundings. I have made this trek so many times that I don't think about it - leaving my mind to wander in more pleasant pastures. It isn't until I am walking the halls to my office when I look out the window and notice the dawning sky... The eastern sky over the lake is streaked with blue, purple and pink. It is that magical moment between night and day where you can imagine yourself in either.

The city has started to wake up and this day will be clear and bright. The day pushes out the night and  I am pushed from thoughts of our bed by work. Neither the night nor my thoughts can linger... but unlike the night, I will steal moments to return...