A Fevered Dream

Angel,

It started as a restless dream that woke me and left me in a sweat, unable to shake all the emotions. 

It started without a word between us but the shared understanding that we had decided to try a new start; that there was more to be explored between us. And in the next moment the overwhelming feeling that came over me was fear of disappointing you. A rush of inadequacy and fear of judgement, judging my own inadequacies, and then the realization that you too might be having some of those same fears. 

My body is not the same body that I once had. A lack of physical intimacy these past years may have left me unable to please you. Has too much time passed, has too much changed? And though I had those doubts about myself, I did not care about any of your changes. I do not care that your hair is grey (in fact, I love it). I do not care if you have gained or lost weight. I do not care if you are as strong or stronger. I do not care if your eyes are as sharp. There is absolutely nothing that time could change that would make me want to be with you any less.

Even as all of the doubts about myself and reasons why not rushed through, I knew that it would not matter. I was standing at the edge of the high dive and the decision to jump had already been made. And in the moment that I ran my fingers across your shoulders, pressed my lips against the back of your neck, felt your curls against my cheeks, and heard your breath as I trailed your spine I knew that whatever doubts I had vanished. 

To feel your soft skin and to watch and feel you respond; to fall into the changing yet familiar rhythms of exploration and wonder, to let the moment and what felt right be our guide was all the reason I needed to let go of all fears. Feeling of you turn toward me, your eyes locked onto mine, the feel of your hard nipples in my palm, and the length of you against me - and the fearlessness of your vulnerability that dispelled any fears. We would explore each other with open abandon and bravery and find again what was dormant. I made love to you. I heard your sighs. I felt you tense toward me and the shaking release of you letting go. I felt you pull me toward you and I saw in your eyes the wonderment and magic that I felt.

I had jumped from a great height expecting to plunged into the deep end but I ended up flying.

And that is what woke me and kept me turning restless. Even now recalling all those emotions I can feel the rollercoaster.

Just me.